Are You Having An Affair?

I think I just witnessed two people carrying on an affair.

Let me be clear, I don’t know this for a fact. It’s not like people who are in extramarital affairs run around wearing t-shirts that say, “The choice for me? Adultery!” It’s not that simple. I have no concrete proof for what I’m about to share, just a lot of circumstantial evidence. Bear with me.

The past few weeks after Monday morning coffee with a friend, a young couple has come in to the coffee shop we visit (Amici espresso). They both wear wedding rings. They seem to both work at the same place (same ID badge). They both enjoy their coffee. They like to share intimate details about their lives with one another (I’m not eavesdropping, I promise. It’s a small coffee shop and they literally sit down next to me. They don’t seem to be covert in what they’re discussing either.)

I can’t but overhear their discussion. They young woman will say, “So-and-so did this at the bar this weekend,” the young guy will reply, “Such-and-such is a slob and won’t pick up their stuff.” Normal, everyday stuff that you tell a co-worker on a Monday after a long weekend. Not stuff you would tell a spouse as if you hadn’t seen them in days. If they’re married to each other, they must go days and days without talking, all to catch up on a Monday morning in a coffee shop.

It’s not like what they’re telling each other is illicit, but it’s the way they say it to each other that makes me think they’re having an affair. The context of the conversation is off if they are indeed married to each other. But I don’t think they are. I think they’re married to other people and they’re having an affair with one another. A secret (or not so secret) coffee shop meeting; a rendezvous after work; a weekend trip disguised as a business outing.

There’s an intimacy at work in the way they address each other. An intimacy that needs to be reserved for their spouse and their spouse alone. They are playing with fire and they will get burned … Eventually. I can only imagine the rush of emotion of carrying on an affair: The secrecy, the lust-filled emotions, the emotional high of “pulling a fast one” on people. But I can’t help but wonder, what’s it going to feel like when they get caught?

I asked the question this morning on Twitter as this couple was next to me, “Do you say something to people who are having an affair, even if you don’t know them personally?” As you can imagine, I got quite a few colorful responses. What do you think?

The bottom line is this: If you’re having an affair, stop it. You may think you’re being discreet. You may think you’re being secret. But you’re not. You never know who listening (like a pastor with a blog, for instance). You may think it brings you life. You may think the other person “gets you,” but they don’t. They’re selfish. And so are you. You’ll destroy your life.

Other Posts You May Enjoy:

Have you enjoyed today's post? Would you kindly consider subscribing to our feed through RSS or email? That way, you're never out of the loop! BeDeviant.com comes to you, how brilliant.

Contributor: Justin Wise

I am a religious deviant who enjoys coffee, collared shirts, spending time with my wife and son, learning about quantum physics and creatively exploring the riches of the Spirit of Christ. Find more here: JustinWise.me

Marie

I think of conversations that I have had with friends who are married, Justin, and wonder if someone sitting by me could have misinterpreted our conversations to be an affair (we are close friends). I wouldn't do that, and neither would the married male friends that I occasionally, for one reason or another, have lunch with (ok with their wife) or maybe a soda or coffee. The reasons are valid. That's part of why I like these friends as people--they have the same values that I do. And it would hurt to think that someone siting next to me who doesn't know me would make assumptions like that and make snide remarks, online or directly to me. But, on the other hand, you were there watching, and I wasn't. You may be right. I don't think you should say anything to them--you really don't know what the situation is,and you could really hurt people making assumptions without checking out the facts first. Pastors, because of the position that they hold, have a great responsibility to check out the facts FIRST (with the people involved) before they use their position to possibly cause a great deal of hurt, based only on assumptions that you make, and the friend sitting next to you reinforces.
On the other hand, if they are having an affair (married or not)--God never says that that is ok. Despite what our society says. They most certainly wll hurt other people. But I doubt that they would listen to you--they simply don't care about the hurt they inflict on others (immature and selfish)--that's who they are at this point. It's just too easy to brush off consequences and find others to reinforce what they are doing. But your post made mahy people think about this.

Alex

http://www.bedeviant.com/2008/12/01/are-you-hav...

I think we need to be careful here. Emotional intimacy does not necessarily denote adultery.

Ask yourself: would this situation be viewed the same way if it were two female friends? If a person is emotionally intimate with a friend of the same gender, is that an affair? What if a person is attracted to both men and women? Does that mean that they could never have a close friendship with anyone who wasn't their spouse?

I agree that if you're having an affair, you need to stop it. But it's also perfectly possible to have an emotionally intimate friendship without slipping into the realm of cheating.

Different couples have different policies. It's important to have a clear idea of what's appropriate for your marriage. What works for me and my spouse may not be the same as what works for you and yours.

It's important for couples to be talking to each other about this issue, to determine the boundaries that work best for their relationship. The situation you described above would not be an issue for my spouse (under most circumstances). But I would have brought it up and we would have discussed it regardless, just to make sure.

Almost always, the biggest source of pain in an affair is the deception. If you find yourself deliberately concealing details of your friendships and interactions from your spouse, then that's a huge red flag. You need to stop and bring the situation to your spouse right away so that you can discuss it and figure out what to do.

In today's world, most of us are going to be put in situations where we could come into contact -- professionally or casually -- with people that we could potentially be attracted to. If you go into that kind of a situation without a clear idea of what works for you and your spouse, you could be setting yourself up for trouble.

Sure, you could just go in with the blinders of "I'm never going to become friends with anyone I could possibly be attracted to", but for most people, that treading dangerously close to denial. And denial has a tendency to lead us down slippery slopes. If you assume that you're immune, it's easier to get blindsided.

When it comes to your own relationships, communication and honesty is the key. When it comes to other people's relationships, we really shouldn't make assumptions based on circumstantial evidence. For all you know, those two people could have both of their spouses' knowledge and blessing to be meeting the way they do. It would certainly be a saner world if that were the case.

Rob

I have several good friends that I would have the same type of conversation with, we'd be friendly and talk in a way that may make the average person think we are intimate or cheating, but we in fact are 100% loyal to our spouses. I think its just a personality thing. When you work with someone day in day out you can develop a certain level of friendship that others may not get, or may perceive as an intimate relationship.

So who knows, were they cheating? Maybe, But you never really know, and saying something to someone instead of minding your business could land you in a terribly embarrassing situation if not worst.

Mandy

Justin - interesting post, and interesting responses. I can relate to your experience, except that I did know the two people involved. It was the same sort of thing - nothing they actually ever said indicated they were having an affair, it was just the way they said and did things - it just wasn't what I thought was appropriate for two people that were married (and had children) - and it wasn't just me that thought so; everyone in our common circle talked about it when they weren't around. I'm sure that wasn't the appropriate thing to do either. However, I was not "close" friends with either of them and didn't feel like it was my place to say anything (which, I realize probably means I shouldn't have been talking about it with other people either). I think when it comes to something so incredibly serious, the person being confronted needs to feel like the person doing the confronting is sincerely concerned about them personally, not just the misdeed they may be involved in.

Rhett Smith

Justin,

I wouldn't say anything to anyone i don't know...most likely...but to someone I do know...yes. It's just part of being accountable to one another...Christian or not, there is a certain amount of accountability we enter into when we have friendships with others.

What you described is all too common, and all too dangerous...seems subtle and harmless...but that's not the reality that couples bring in to my office a year later. Intimacy is created in many ways, and we must be wise as husbands and wives, etc.

rhett

KeithW

It strikes me that Anon wants to remain "anon" as a cowardly way to say what he thinks without taking the responsibility for his words or his thoughts. You, Justin, have the pair to say what you think and put it out there. I may not agree with everything you've said but at least you have the "juice" to say it. Good for you!

Justin Wise

@KeithW: Thanks. Now, don't go getting all 'Ville up in this piece!

Anon

I am not at all upset at the topic. I happen to be a 26 year old man who is in a loving 4 year relationship with a woman who would not, IN THE SLIGHTEST, be offended or upset if I were having the above mentioned conversation with one of my female friend. In fact she loves that I can share stories and exploits with others as it makes OUR relationship stronger, in that it builds trust.

What I AM upset about is you using Juice blog to share this piece while using very explicit details about the couple. You don't know if anyone reading knows these two, and IF it is just two close
PLATONIC friends sharing weekend sex stories you just opened up a whole can worms that you have no right doing. It's an abuse of the blog granted to you and an abuse of your SUPPOSED non-judgemental nature of the cloth. That's it. Just a super obnoxious post by someone who is ignorant to these types of friendships and showing complete disrespect and class in making your original topic.

As to your other questions, I choose not to answer. I don't find it necessary to comment on my obvious disrespect for organized religion. To each their own.

Good day.

Justin Wise

@Anon: I think we're missing each other. Or at least, you might be misinterpreting what I'm saying. I am certainly not suggesting that men and women cannot be friends in the platonic sense. That would be absurd. Nor am I suggesting we cannot share mundane details of our lives with the people whom we find ourselves in relationship from day to day. Again, absurd.

I would imagine your girlfriend (fiance?) would be upset if you were treating another woman the way this young guy was treating this young woman. I would also imagine you would be upset if you saw her talking to another man in the way I observed this couple to be this morning. But, you're not me so I don't want to assume.

As far as details regarding this couple, I don't see how anyone could know whom I speaking of besides the couple themselves. There was no one else in the coffee shop but me. I give no details of what they look like, what they were wearing, etc. Obviously I would never want to hurt or belittle someone, nor put them in a compromising situation but for with their own consciences. I am sorry if that was not clear.

Do you live in the Des Moines area? If so, I'd love to meet up for coffee sometime if you'd be willing. Let me know: justin(at)bedeviant.com

Anon

You conservative right-wing nutjobs are ignorant and overstepping your bounds on so many levels it makes me glad to be an atheist. So what if two consenting ADULTS are having a conversation that involves topics that YOU think should not be talked about? Move to a different location. For you to assume an affair strictly through body language and topic of conversation make you sir, a moron. Most normal people have friends of the opposite sex who engage in all kinds conversation including what you overheard. Just because you live your life dedicating your life to ridiculous moral code written thousands of years ago doesn't give you the credentials to call people out. Karma is a bitch Pastor, I hope it doesn't bite you too hard.

SOCIALIZE:

SUBSCRIBE: