Are You Having An Affair?

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I think I just witnessed two people carrying on an affair.

Let me be clear, I don’t know this for a fact. It’s not like people who are in extramarital affairs run around wearing t-shirts that say, “The choice for me? Adultery!” It’s not that simple. I have no concrete proof for what I’m about to share, just a lot of circumstantial evidence. Bear with me.

The past few weeks after Monday morning coffee with a friend, a young couple has come in to the coffee shop we visit (Amici espresso). They both wear wedding rings. They seem to both work at the same place (same ID badge). They both enjoy their coffee. They like to share intimate details about their lives with one another (I’m not eavesdropping, I promise. It’s a small coffee shop and they literally sit down next to me. They don’t seem to be covert in what they’re discussing either.)

I can’t but overhear their discussion. They young woman will say, “So-and-so did this at the bar this weekend,” the young guy will reply, “Such-and-such is a slob and won’t pick up their stuff.” Normal, everyday stuff that you tell a co-worker on a Monday after a long weekend. Not stuff you would tell a spouse as if you hadn’t seen them in days. If they’re married to each other, they must go days and days without talking, all to catch up on a Monday morning in a coffee shop.

It’s not like what they’re telling each other is illicit, but it’s the way they say it to each other that makes me think they’re having an affair. The context of the conversation is off if they are indeed married to each other. But I don’t think they are. I think they’re married to other people and they’re having an affair with one another. A secret (or not so secret) coffee shop meeting; a rendezvous after work; a weekend trip disguised as a business outing.

There’s an intimacy at work in the way they address each other. An intimacy that needs to be reserved for their spouse and their spouse alone. They are playing with fire and they will get burned … Eventually. I can only imagine the rush of emotion of carrying on an affair: The secrecy, the lust-filled emotions, the emotional high of “pulling a fast one” on people. But I can’t help but wonder, what’s it going to feel like when they get caught?

I asked the question this morning on Twitter as this couple was next to me, “Do you say something to people who are having an affair, even if you don’t know them personally?” As you can imagine, I got quite a few colorful responses. What do you think?

The bottom line is this: If you’re having an affair, stop it. You may think you’re being discreet. You may think you’re being secret. But you’re not. You never know who listening (like a pastor with a blog, for instance). You may think it brings you life. You may think the other person “gets you,” but they don’t. They’re selfish. And so are you. You’ll destroy your life.

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Contributor: Justin Wise

A religious deviant who enjoys coffee, collared shirts, spending time with his wife and son, learning about quantum physics and creatively exploring the riches of the Spirit of Christ. Culture + Faith + Technology. Contact the author
  • evanshawblackerby
    good points. I work additionally at Starbucks to meet people in my community and there are always a few couples whom I am not sure about. I won't treat them differently or anything silly like that, but it's crazy how "out there" people can be....
  • k
    meh. people can do what they like, make their choices, possibly mistakes.
    it is, of course, their call to make.

    in my observations, many times people that are having an affair know they are, of course, going to get caught, or at least the odds are in that favor, and they do it anyway. too afraid of confrontation, so they'd rather let it blow up in their face, or more likely, it's a strictly emotional decision, and logic plays little to no role. perhaps their marriages were the mistake, and the affair is a vehicle to start correcting that mistake.

    'You may think it brings you life. You may think the other person “gets you,” but they don’t. They’re selfish. And so are you. You’ll destroy your life.'

    that's a fairly bold statement, not knowing these people at all. i'd suggest you quit projection your particular brand of morality onto strangers, and not worry about them.




    "
  • @k: You bring up good points. I'm interested in your "particular brand of morality" comment. Do you consider the ethics of adultery to be situationally dependent? In other words, are there "brands of morality" (love that term, by the way) that condone adultery?
  • k
    i suggest situations are rarely, if ever, "black and white." we all live in an inter-relational world. ideally if a person in in a failed relationship, or a troubled one, it is likely best it is resolved independently, one way or the other before beginning another relationship.

    finances, children, family, guilt, other people and feelings for them etc etc are going to modify that ideal, of course, but it is to the individual to make the call on what they do with that complex environment. staying in an unhappy relationship/marriage because of a system of morals in and of itself is not ideal. begining an affair also is not ideal. therefore, in the middle lies what one can choose to do, each solution baring its pros and cons.

    sitting on the outside passing judgment is not terribly useful. pity for a person in that situation is obvious, but anger and/or judgment seems to produce, well, itself. anger and judgment.

    are their largely selfish people that step out on a perfectly functioning marriage/relationship? i suppose, quite possibly, but i would guess nor very probable. effects usually have causes. is it the most productive solution to a failing partnership? surely not, but i don't think it's one the casual observer can make a blanket statement condemning.
  • I personally know the effects of an affair, and it destroys more than just the people in them, but entire families.. Be smart and think about the other people affected.

    As for approaching this 'couple', I think that's dangerous territory. Even though your assumptions may be educated, they're still assumptions. However, you are the pastor, not me. :-)
  • @Jeremy: Confrontation would be dangerous, I agree. I like what a friend said, "Call up Kerry and just tell her how much you love her in an excessively audible voice... ;)"
  • Hey Justin... your assumptions are likely correct. It is dangerous territory that they are in even if they are currently not having an affair. While I have to for my work with SOY meet with pastors and potential volunteers for the opposite sex - I keep it business like and infrequent. If they are meeting regularly this could end up leading to something else if it hasn't already.

    Regarding confronting... I like the call your wife option. I would only confront if I knew them.
  • evanshawblackerby
    on some level we should want to get involved, but we can't hold non-believers (if they are that) to believer's standards. Christ is the healer and unfortunately all else is just a symptom of not knowing him. We can try to heal the symptoms.... but the root wound will still remain.
  • totally agree.. to pass judgment on them is not our place, but Christ's. Our job is to just love like crazy.
  • I've known of many ministry professionals who, like you mention in your article, have "emotional affairs" with church members. There may be no sexual interaction, but the way they communicate and the kinds of things they entrust to people other than their spouse can be JUST AS DAMAGING. I'm discovering there are many layers of intimacy that spouses share with one another...sexual intimacy is only one of them; and is often not the most important. Why is it worse to share your penis with someone than to share the secrets of your heart with someone who is not your spouse?

    You always could channel your inner 80 year-old and say something like, "it's so nice to see such a happily married couple taking time during the work day to talk with each other". How's that for passive-aggressive? Or, if that doesn't work, go with Bible tracts.
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