This is the sixth post in the series “The 21st Century Church” here on BeDeviant.com. You can read the rest of the posts here.

As we saw earlier this week, sometimes pastors are looked to for perfection. In the comments of that post, a few of you suggested we take a look at pastors wives.

So we will.

Why? If the role of the pastor needs to be re-imagined for the 21st Century Church, the role of the pastors wife definitely needs to be re-looked at as well. Pastors wives got it rough. Mostly because they are part of a system that they cannot directly influence through positional authority. Only relational. And sometimes those relationships are difficult to navigate.

Below is a portion of post originally written in 2005 by Amy Andrews over at WithPurpose.com. Amy is a “former” pastor’s wife, her husband has since left ministry. I contacted Amy and asked if I could reprint her post here and she gracefully agreed. A lot has happened for Amy and her family since 2005, so you can read a “follow-up” interview with her here.

See if you don’t identify with any of these or see them at work in the church you worship at:

1. You know you’re a pastor’s wife when…you are rarely referred to by your given name. You are most often “The Pastor’s Wife” or a variation on that theme (”Pastor ______’s Wife,” “Married to the Pastor,” etc.). You may even be called “The First Lady” (which I find personally unnerving—I don’t know why). In our church, there’s a guy from Brooklyn, NY who calls me “The Underboss.” Now THAT I can handle.

2. You know you’re a pastor’s wife when…people act weird around you. I was once in a conversation with a group of adults when one woman said, “Yeah, I haven’t been to church in a while.” As soon as she said it, she looked at me with an “I’ve been caught” look and then she said, “Oops…busted.” For the record, I don’t take attendance. I am not a babysitter. And my general feeling is that adults can and should make their own decision about if and when they attend church. Heck, it takes all my energy to make sure I make it to church let alone the rest of the population.

3. You know you’re a pastor’s wife when…you relate best to anyone NOT in your church. This is largely due to #2, however it’s also because you don’t know how to deal with the I – have – no – idea – how – much – to – share – with – you – about – my – personal – life – because – it – will – most – likely – involve – issues – about – my – husband – leaving – his – underwear – around – (or something similar) – and – my – husband – is – your – pastor – and – you – probably – don’t – want – to – hear – about – his – underwear.

4. You know you’re a pastor’s wife when…”rich” (monetarily speaking) is not in your vocabulary. Never has been. Never will.

5. You know you’re a pastor’s wife when…you’re either extremely uncomfortable or extremely gleeful (depending on your personality) when you’re in a conversation with someone who uses lots of four-letter words and then asks you the question, “So, what does your husband do?”

Granted, Amy’s situation isn’t the case for every wife of a pastor, but I’m guessing those of you who are married to someone in the ministry or are in ministry yourself can relate to one or more of the items on the list.

How do we change this? Clearly this is a case of unfair expectations and demands not only on a pastor, but on his family as well–namely his wife. (I realize that there is a whole segment of the Church population we are missing–pastors husbands–but that’s a different post altogether.)

What do you think? What does the 21st Century Church look like for the pastor’s wife?

[Image Credit: AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com]

Other Posts You May Enjoy:

• Why Everyone Should Wear a Priest’s Collar
• The Profit Motive: Evil or Good?
• The 21st Century Church: A Recap

Contributor: Justin Wise

I am a religious deviant who enjoys coffee, collared shirts, spending time with my wife and son, learning about quantum physics and creatively exploring the riches of the Spirit of Christ. Find more here: JustinWise.me